GUIDELINES (MARCH EDITION)
MY INNER WAR : PART ONE
Do you know how it feels when you do something with your whole energy, expecting more but what you got was less? When you ‘Dream’ always to be more to something/someone but again and again you are always less and at the end of everything you felt like you’ve been taken for granted
When you wake up every morning hoping to hear someone’s voice, with a smile on your face but you know the hope is like dreaming to be a failure and you stand up starting your day with less happiness? Yeah! That’s the kind of hell I go through everyday and the kind of joke my life has become… The kind of crazy guy I am. Uh-huh! I will tell you the funny -brutal story behind the foggy tag.
For the past couple of months, I’ve been trying to put something down but my brain won’t stop complaining of being lazy. I’ve got lots of novels to cover, times to stay up reading without playing, night classes to go, papers to defeat.
There is this thing in me that won’t just stop complaining, maybe its name is conscience, or whatever, but seriously, I do understand what its trying to tell me, yeah, I have to be afraid because if my writing (effort) falls below standard it’ll be a peril to my groovy future.
The fact about this incomprehensible life I’m living is that I don’t really understand, maybe we only live to enjoy or live to die of regrets. I’m lost between good and bad. I’ve been trying to do some findings, trying to know where people like me lies… HEAVEN OR HELL? My life is complicated and it’ll be good if someone can tell me maybe living a complicated life is a sin… Is there a way I can go to heaven or hell and see my future? I really need to see where my end lies _ someone said only if I can go through DEATH and that’s the last thing I wanna do for now_DIE. I still have a lot of things to do, destiny to fulfill, things I have to prove wrong.
Days ago, I was sitting in my room, thinking about it all. I felt a knock in my chest but I never answered. It knocks several times, I kept mute and ignored it. BIGG GEORGE’S (one among my best buddies) ‘Alter Ego’ swooped him hard on the face but mine actually bites me in my chest and again, again and again. I’m pretty sure this is not my own Alter Ego working.
While wondering what it is, I hear a voice from inward me and before I could notice it has become voices. I heard some voices asking me why I haven’t given up on Love, some said that I promised never to trust until real love is found, some said I’ve forgotten who I was and some actually made jest of me. Yeah, I wrote about those things in one of my poems titled “FROM ME TO MYSELF” but I actually have to move on because if I still hold on onto those things, I’m pretty sure to die in boring island. The wiggy thing is that my ‘other selves’ never want to understand me (conscience, mind, brain, heart…) or maybe it is just I that never wants to understand, who knows? I don’t know maybe you understand me too. Have you ever had a fight with your other selves before? You’ll understand me if you’ve done that before.
I title this battle MY INNER WAR because I couldn’t get answers to some things that runs in my mind and everyday, I fight this WAR inside of me. There are storms in me, fire shots, ember of doubts but I still smile, always, I still stand tall and keep fighting for what I believe in. I still couldn’t drop ME because only ME got ME when I was falling. So, what should I name it? What should I call it? Without thinking twice I guess I’m right_ IN ME, MINE(MY) INNER WAR. Don’t walk a mile putting yourself in my shoes because you might get lost or run mad_LOST YOURSELF. Just pieces of advice for you though.
The questions are, WHAT IS LIFE? WHY ARE WE BORN JUST TO DIE? WHY DO WE LOVE ONLY TO HATE? ~*WHAT IS ME?*~ (Who am I?) Can I live long enough to find answers to these questions? I’ve tried so many times just to express myself with a chalk, trying to write my feelings, emotions on the wall of my room but people call me a freak whenever they walk into my room. I guess to be abnormal in this normal world is good, even better _A FREAK.
MY INNER WAR, the war that tells me everyday that I must stay strong and work on being stronger always. The war that yells at me always and tells me MY WAR HAS JUST BEGUN and I mustn’t relax until I become what I’m destined to become.
The only war that strengthens me always… I know I must get ready for everything… To be a successful person you have to be like the phoenix. Die and rise and when you’re rising, rise with a new form. Success is like a Daisy put after fire, you have to get burned before you get the Daisy.
Everything is going to be alright, don’t think of how long you’ll wait. Just live beyond the conditions, fight well for your present because how hard you fight for the present will determine how great the future will be. Be ready for more war, be ready to fight hard and harder.
Nothing good comes easily. Walk through the storm, defeat the storm and be the storm itself.
Don’t give up, keep moving forward. I wish y’all well.
(Fiction)
Yours without Blemish,
Olamilekan I. Goodluck
