GOODBYE – BY ASHLEY
I was told a story and it reminds me of you
So I’mma tell you my one sided love.
Everyday before I sleep I try to imagine how you spent the day and if I ever Crossed your mind, cause I’m sure out of a hundredth thoughts well you have 50 percent.
I decided I never wanted to think of you or even develop feelings, but damn it was harder than I thought. I began to see us in every movie I watched, every song I listened to, every couple I saw pass etc. I knew I needed help, I didn’t want it to become an obsession, well after a lot of therapy and not seeing you, I believed I was healed from love.
Although months passed you still pop up in my mind. I guess I was in love with someone who just saw me as a good friend.
I came back home from my healing vacation, and thought maybe if I started again and think not so much of you, I’ll be fine.
We were/ are still friends so I can’t distance myself as much as I thought, damn I thought to myself, if only you knew how I’m dying inside knowing I have hell of feelings for and behaving like I don’t f*g care at all.
Well it’s been two years now and I still love you, the feelings ain’t dying, I tried to meet other people but couldn’t, I was weird and no one accepted me to their world. You always told me I didn’t belong here, so how could I tell you I loved you. I remember when I tried to tell you in writing, it took enough courage to be an anonymous writer, to write to you, but right there, in my presence, you tore the paper, andeven threw it in the garbage can. It felt as if it was my heart that was just shredded and dumped. I spent a week writing the letter, and you didn’t keep it for even 2 days. Well what my do you care, at least I can still love you from a distance. You came to me begging me to help you matchmake you guys, well the things we do for love. How it hurts seeing you people move forward, couldn’t take it anymore, I went for a drink and came back too drunk, I saw you with her, but I didn’t know if I was happy or sad. I wished it was me but oh well. I for some reason didn’t know why she was at my house just to see, well I hoped you guys hadn’t fought, but guess why she came to see me and what she said.
‘Well thank you for bringing us together, but I would prefer if you were dead, so we can be happy.’ What did she mean, I see you happy, why did she request my death. Well ever since before I met you I always hoped for death since it was to painful in my world, but now that I can’t have you, I only want you to be happy even if it costs my life.
Let me tell you what’s more painful, I had always had feelings for her, but then it was very hard to get her out of her world. She was like a nut with a very hard shell and for this reason, I couldn’t crack it and bring her to this world. I even took it to the extent I made her my matchmaker just to get her jealous and make her realize she liked me, but guess it was the worst option I ever made. Her fear of rejection and my pride/ ego to admit my feelings have caused this huge hole in my heart. I can’t get the image away from my mind she was lying down in the pool of her own blood. It felt like she went through a lot of pain, and I wasn’t there. She was always there when I was in pain. Now I think of it and I don’t know what hurts more, is it the fact that she left a letter to tell me of her feelings, or the fact that she died before I could confess my feelings, or the fact that a friend advised her to die, or the fact that I wasn’t there for her knowing all she had gone through since before I knew her.
Hola Sola Hoy Ashley
They say face reality but fantasy is way more better in my own perception. People say I’m weird, I love the fact I’m weird, I even at times see my self as an alien in the world of humans. I may be sad but won’t love to see people sad. Music is my escape from reality.
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