MY SUPPOSED ESCAPE FROM DEPRESSION – BY ASHLEY
I stare out through the broken window, wondering to myself, what is going on with me? Why did I just break the window? Then I realize it was done subconsciously, because I couldn’t bare to see the love that filled the air and the streets. The air felt so toxic I couldn’t breathe, I felt death, I was blinded by the love that flowed on the street. I couldn’t see my own reflection in the mirror.
Ever since I was a child, I have never felt the light of true pure love, so I got used to the darkness of fake love. They say everyone in this world is entitled to love so I hope deep down within me that I would feel this love that is so pure and true hoping that the light of this love would free me from the eternal darkness life had bestowed on me.
I feel like a beggar waiting for someone who is in the VIP room to notice me. I opened up to the world as I was told too, it was harder than I expected but it was worth it. Days past and a light shone on me taking away my darkness away, it was the light of true pure love that I hoped for, it had gotten to me. I saw my life changing gradually, I saw the darkness turn to light and I felt happy and complete. I was in love. Things happened so suddenly, I was filled with two times the darkness I once had. I chose to believe in love and it cheated on me. I preferred the dark fake love I got in this past than this. The love I hoped for was all a joke and fantasy. I couldn’t bring myself to reduce this darkness and live in my old ways again, so I became worse. This new darkness caused me to do things I never imagined doing. I became an object of ridicule and all sorts so living became hard for me. I hoped to die and ease my self of the pain, but I felt there were other ways. I became depressed, I laid in the darkness cutting myself as a means of escape from the pain I had to face. I would wake up by 3.00am or even stay awake all night to escape so much pain, I would cry, listen to sad music and cut myself, I would also listen to sad multi fandom’s this was done to tell myself people were going through worse, so I would survive. I did different kind of drugs, I got so addicted I became a monster. I would stay up all night listening to all sort of music so I won’t become a monster finally, I also got so addicted to my songs and darkness. I got so addicted to the darkness and my dark ways, I didn’t let a ray of light come in.
I got used to the feeling that this pain would never go away and that the only way to end the pain is by killing myself. O remember getting rope to die in the past, so I go the closet and set the rope on the table alongside a blade, a knife, a full pill bottle, or maybe drowning would be better, since no one would even notice me gone.
The thought of writing a suicide note came to mind but I felt no one would even read it till maybe a week later or even months, so I’d better just die. I chose to die by drowning myself so I stay in position and play my song, so at least I would die a peaceful less painful death, as music happened to be one of my ways of escaping pain but little did I know ow it would be my reason to live again.
As I await death the sound of the violin, piano and heaguem fill the air and in my dying state, I see reasons I should and can live, I believe in myself and all of a sudden I was filled with so much light. I love me, I tell myself.
Hola Sola Hoy Ashley
They say face reality but fantasy is way more better in my own perception. People say I’m weird, I love the fact I’m weird, I even at times see my self as an alien in the world of humans. I may be sad but won’t love to see people sad. Music is my escape from reality.
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